One of life’s hardest lessons to learn is that you cannot change others, you can only change yourself.  I say hardest lesson because so much of us have wasted time and energy trying to make others conform to our way of thinking or do what we want them to do.

All of us have had times where we thought, “why can’t that person just do ___?”   Wouldn’t life be so much easier if everyone just thought and acted like we wanted them to?   Most of us, at least sometimes, have the following thoughts rolling around in our brain:  My boss / colleague / spouse, etc. should change. They should quit their annoying laugh / listen to me more / approve of me / stop talking so much.

Have you noticed that the more you push someone to change behavior, the more defensive, angry and resistant they become?  Most of us have built in resistors to change, especially when we feel forced into it.  Sometimes we even resist out of instinct, unaware that our actions are a defensive reaction.

Unless someone sincerely wants to make a change in their life, attempting to change them is futile.  You can rail against the snow or feel sanguine about the rain, but there’s not a whole lot you can do about it.  It just is.  Then why should we believe we can change another person’s behaviors — an independent, thinking self just like us —with a few choice words? If you think about it for a minute, it sounds kind of ridiculous.

So, if we can’t change the behavior that we don’t like in other people, what can we change?  Our own reaction to the situation.  When you think about it, your reaction is the only thing in the world that you have full control over.  Maybe the problem isn’t so much the other person’s behavior as it is our reaction to that behavior.

Consider this – have you ever had someone you dislike do or say something that enraged you, but the same thing said or done by someone you like made you smile?   Or are you more tolerant of certain issues when you are in a good mood and less tolerant when you are grumpy?

If you answered yes to either of the above, then you see first-hand how it is your reaction to the situation that matters, not the action of the other person.  If the same action by two different people, or the same action on two different occasions can cause you to react differently, then congratulations, you are normal.  We all do this.

Being aware that your reaction is all that you really control is one thing.  Putting it into practice is another.  The simplest and most effective way to be empowered in the face of challenging situations is to master YOURSELF.   If someone is doing something that is causing you to react negatively, here are some exercises to help curb your reaction using the NPER method.

N – NOTICE the cues in your body when you begin feeling upset – e.g. a tightening in your gut, a surge of heat to your face, throbbing in your temples.

P – PAUSE and physically disengage from the situation – e.g. take 3 deep breaths, walk away, have a long drink of water.

E – EXAMINE your thoughts.  When you find yourself thinking something like, “It shouldn’t be …”,  “I wish she wouldn’t do..” or “I can’t believe he thinks that…”, these all serve to disempower you.  Instead, focus on what ACTUALLY happened versus your reaction of it.

R -REPLACE your thoughts with something more empowering – e.g. be curious — “I wonder what is making him do that?”,  be compassionate –

“Perhaps he is having a very bad day.”,  be empathetic – “How would it feel to be in his shoes?”

In order to be happy and effective in life, you must embrace the reality that you can’t change other people.  The only person you can change is yourself.  What happens when you stop trying to control others is you create space for you to experience freedom, peace of mind, and affinity with others.

About:

Bernice Ang is an Executive Coach who spent 30 years as a Marketing Executive in Fortune 50 companies.  She currently works with women in leadership to integrate their work and life goals so they can live life on their own terms.  For more information, please visit www.liveaThriveLife.com.